Jumpman Lane’s Money JUST Ain’t Good Enough!

Jumpman Lane, The King of Second Life

From now on, nothing goes down unless I’m involved. No blackjack no dope deals, no nothing. A nickel bag gets sold in the park, I want in. You guys got fat while everybody starved on the street. Now it’s my turn.
Frank White , The King of New York

Goal is reached and surpassed!

The MadPea Celebrity auction last month raised L$1,667,762 to build a school for a bunch a lil’ kids in Kenya caws lil’ kids in Kenya gotta learn stuff too! JUMPY was happy to help! He wanted to buy Alexa Linden at auction. The plan was to slap her in a lil cage and slap her in some corner of The Dawson Residence by Juro Kothatri (his custom home built by the greatest SL architect in the HISTORY of Second Life for that grand diva of the grid, Lady Dawson) and have a buncha noobs poker her with lil’ twigs. Goddamnit, Jumpy alla bout dazzlin’ noobs!

So, Jumpy ponied up 30,001L$. Old pal and 2x Slut Mag Cover Girl Crystal Mizser ponied up 20,000L$ She was WILLING to go as high aas 60,000L$ “CAWS WE NEED A LINDEN”!

Slut Mag Hottie Saleen Lane and Slut Mag Covergirl Crystal Mizser

Weeeeeeellllll…. we got one! All was copesectic at FIRST! Alexa seemed stoked to fulfill her obligations to the MadPea promotors. I mean it was an exciting time. The auction had ended. caLLie cLine auctioned off Kiana Writer, head of MadPea and Kess Crystal, owner of !Exodous!, the venue where the celebrity auction was held. The 1.6 million L$ EXCEEDED the auctions goal projections. Everyone was in tears! (Not JUMPY hehehehe).

Kiana Writer went for 150,000L$. caLLie cLine brought in 87,000L$. AND THE MADPEA bunch got FIFTY THOUSAND AND ONE of Slut Magazine’s linden dollars…all to help a buncha lil’ kids!

Slut Mag Hotties Victoria (Voluteri) & Saleen Lane

 [2015/09/27 14:09]  Alexa Linden: Thank you for your generous donation[2015/09/27 14:09]  Jumpman Lane: no problem[2015/09/27 14:09]  Alexa Linden: it really will do a world of good for others[2015/09/27 14:10]  Jumpman Lane: we’ll do omething nice an tame can u give me a time?[2015/09/27 14:10]  Alexa Linden: sure[2015/09/27 14:10]  Jumpman Lane: oh i hope so[2015/09/27 14:10]  Alexa Linden: what timezone are you in?[2015/09/27 14:10]  Jumpman Lane: est[2015/09/27 14:11]  Jumpman Lane: us[2015/09/27 14:11]  Alexa Linden: are evenings or weekends better?[2015/09/27 14:11]  Jumpman Lane: well week days a monday or tuesday would be best[2015/09/27 14:11]  Jumpman Lane: i work wierd hours[2015/09/27 14:11]  Alexa Linden: ok[2015/09/27 14:11]  Jumpman Lane: not THI monday or tue tho[2015/09/27 14:12]  Jumpman Lane: no the up coming one[2015/09/27 14:12]  Alexa Linden: can I take a look at my work schedule tomorrow and get back to you?[2015/09/27 14:12]  Jumpman Lane: sure[2015/09/27 14:12]  Alexa Linden: ok so the week after[2015/09/27 14:12]  Jumpman Lane: but not tomorrow lol[2015/09/27 14:12]  Alexa Linden: got it[2015/09/27 14:12]  Jumpman Lane: be perfect[2015/09/27 14:13]  Jumpman Lane: evening would be better  but whenever ur available is fine on a monday or tuesday[2015/09/27 14:13]  Alexa Linden: ok I’ll figure out some times and then you can see which works best for you :)[2015/09/27 14:13]  Alexa Linden: I am restricted to my Linden code of conduct so no A regions or content[2015/09/27 14:14]  Jumpman Lane: oh  perfect jessica you rock[2015/09/27 14:14]  Jumpman Lane: i dont know any adult regions[2015/09/27 14:14]  Alexa Linden: lol[2015/09/27 14:14]  Jumpman Lane: i was thinking my juro house[2015/09/27 14:14]  Jumpman Lane: its a landmark hehehehe[2015/09/27 14:15]  Jumpman Lane: no everybody will have on clothes[2015/09/27 14:15]  Alexa Linden: thanks[2015/09/27 14:15]  Jumpman Lane: no problem[2015/09/27 14:15]  Jumpman Lane: tho u were on the cover of playboy lol[2015/09/27 14:15]  Alexa Linden: I blame whirly for that![2015/09/27 14:16]  Jumpman Lane: lol[2015/09/27 14:16]  Jumpman Lane: Zara Linden ALMOST judged a stripper contest for me once then that ol Linden code of conduct thingy lol[2015/09/27 14:16]  Alexa Linden: hahaha[2015/09/27 14:16]  Jumpman Lane: hehehehe[2015/09/27 14:17]  Jumpman Lane: but no i was thinking more a tour of The Dawson Residence by Juro Kothari then hey look theres a linden hehehehehe[2015/09/27 14:17]  Jumpman Lane: might dazzle some noobs[2015/09/27 14:17]  Alexa Linden: that sounds cool[2015/09/27 14:18]  Jumpman Lane: awesome itll be a hoot[2015/09/27 14:18]  Alexa Linden: /me smiles[2015/09/27 14:18]  Jumpman Lane: :)[2015/09/27 14:18]  Jumpman Lane: ewell ill let u scoot a million people are iming me[2015/09/27 14:18]  Alexa Linden: ok, thanks again and have a good evening![2015/09/27 14:19]  Jumpman Lane: you to o and you’re very welcome

Alexa Linden

THEN things got a lil’ funky. Alexa hit Jumpy with a buncha restrictions, no doubt having discussed the prospects of a Slut Mag Porny Shindig or a quizzing on Sansar and its proposd tax structure. Maybe, she read Why Sansar Sux Big Fat Giant King Kong Monkey Balls. I unno, but here is what she laud down as poential deal breakers, perhaps hoping to through Slut Mag into a tizzy.

Thank you for your donation, and congratulations on winning the charity auction!

You’ve won an hour-long inworld hangout with a Linden, and we wanted to clarify a few common-sense guidelines in advance to be sure everyone’s expectations are the same:
* This is meant as a fun, casual hangout and not an interview nor a business meeting.
* The Linden will not be able to share information about classified work or projects here at the Lab.
* The meeting location, club, gallery, or store must be G or M content. No Adult regions are permitted nor is graphic nudity, sexual content, or foul language. If you cannot provide such an area, we’d be happy to suggest appropriate locations.
* The Linden will be using text chat exclusively, rather than Voice.


Hey Alexa,

I got the guidelines you sent. I think we are on the same page.
I was wondering HOW I could turn it INTO ” an hour-long inworld hangout with a Linden” and NOT some “interview” or “business” meeting.

As for venue its The Dawson Residence, the masterpiece of the greatest architect in the history of Second Life, Juro Kothari, built for Lady Dawson (maybe you know her and him). Anyways, I live there! 🙂

Theres no dirty pix or naked avis here. You are welcome to scout the place if you like. I just figured we’d crank up the dance floor, yo kno dazzle a few noobs with an actual Linden. it’ll be a hoot I swear 😛


Well we just wanted to chill with a Linden! We had no mischief in mind. We were happy to help Madpea help some lil kiddilies. We were stoked to score a Linden (though personaly I prefered caLLIe cLine who ALWAYS was and remains the EPITOME OF CLASS AND GRACE). We forked over our monies in good faith. Jumpy responded to Alexa’s demurs in kind.

[2015/09/29 13:51]  Alexa Linden: thanks for the notecard.  Does next Monday or Tuesday work best for you?[2015/09/29 13:51]  Alexa Linden: I think those were they days you preferred?[2015/09/29 13:52]  Jumpman Lane: tuesday would be best[2015/09/29 13:53]  Jumpman Lane: evening[2015/09/29 13:53]  Alexa Linden: and what’s a good time for you?  Is 4pm SLT good?[2015/09/29 13:53]  Alexa Linden: that’s 7 your time?[2015/09/29 13:53]  Jumpman Lane: that would be perfect[2015/09/29 13:53]  Jumpman Lane: 4pm slt it is[2015/09/29 13:53]  Alexa Linden: ok, I’ll see you at 4pm SLT next Tuesday![2015/09/29 13:53]  Jumpman Lane: awesome thanks alexa[2015/09/29 13:54]  Alexa Linden: it’s my pleasure :)[2015/09/29 13:54]  Jumpman Lane: ill cya then

We meant it too. Alexa seemed to go for it…or so we thought. Great day in the morning. WE were FOOLED!

[2015/09/26 18:41]  Jumpman Lane: Alexa u better not be here to bump the price up on urself[2015/09/26 18:41]  Arcadian Vanalten: LOL!!!![2015/09/26 18:41]  ℜυ ™ (diane.macbain): lol[2015/09/26 18:41]  Jumpman Lane: im planning on taking u clogging[2015/09/26 18:41]  Nola Hellershanks: haha[2015/09/26 18:41]  ℜυ ™ (diane.macbain): and you be careful dancin’ there ol’ girl, I dunno if you can get a hip replaced in SL[2015/09/26 18:41]  Alexa Linden: hahahaha no jumpman[2015/09/26 18:41]  Jumpman Lane: coolies[2015/09/26 18:41]  Jumpman Lane: well i hope u like clogging at any rate[2015/09/26 18:41]  Alexa Linden: thanks for saving me from the FIrestorm developers :D[2015/09/26 18:41]  MystiTool HUD 2.0.2: Entering chat range: Caian Nagy (19m)[2015/09/26 18:42]  angyel: lol[2015/09/26 18:42]  Jumpman Lane: ill be sure to ask some questions while we r dancing[2015/09/26 18:42]  Lyl Witch (lylanis): lmfao[2015/09/26 18:42]  MystiTool HUD 2.0.2: Entering chat range: EVK (19m)[2015/09/26 18:42]  Alexa Linden: they’re up to no good :p[2015/09/26 18:42]  Bcreative Wilde Heart (bcreative.wilde): hey Alexa is back… WB![2015/09/26 18:42]  MystiTool HUD 2.0.2: Entering chat range: Dmerry2385 (17m)[2015/09/26 18:42]  Alexa Linden: Thanks B <3

Then, some hours later, Alexa hit us up with this denial. Jumpy was chagrined. I unno, what happened in the intervening hours. Personally, I think Alexa never intended to go through with her end of the bargin any damn way.
I mean, would Alexa Linden have reneged on the Firestorm Viewer bunch had they bid and won? (WE THINK ALEXA JUST MIGHT HAVE RENEGED ON THEM TOO!) She was overheard saying thus shortly before Jumpy won!

Curious…I unno, maybe Alexa only shirked her resposibilities to the MadPea folks because Jumpy is just too damn notorious. The explaination she gave was a bit specious:

[2015/09/29 17:29]  Alexa Linden: Thank you for your notecard earlier. Given your history of repeated inappropriate behavior toward Lindens, however, we do not have confidence in your assurances, and I will not be spending this time inworld with you. Since I will not be fulfilling the offer you bid on, you will be refunded accordingly.[2015/09/29 17:29]  Second Life: secondlife:///app/agent/1799b39b-d6a3-4fec-baf6-0f7c8cc715a0/completename paid you L$50001.[2015/09/29 17:29]  Alexa Linden: there is your refund.  Have a good evening.[2015/09/29 17:30]  Jumpman Lane: say alexa dont you realize ive had lindens on my friends list[2015/09/29 17:30]  Second Life: User not online – message will be stored and delivered later.[2015/09/29 17:31]  Jumpman Lane: i like LL[2015/09/29 17:31]  Second Life: User not online – message will be stored and delivered later.[2015/09/29 17:31]  Jumpman Lane: oh well[2015/09/29 17:31]  Second Life: User not online – message will be stored and delivered later.[2015/09/29 17:39]  Jumpman Lane: fair enough alexa i wont bug ya but you really cant believe all you read on third party websites. i had a thing with torley years ago but “technically” he started it and Zara Lnden agreed when she fixed it. but nvm if my monies aint good enough to hep out the cause i’ll keep em and spend them on something else. im sorry i wasted your time. i wont bug you any more

The All-Seeing Watermelon Eye

During the Great Watermelon War, I learned a very valuable lesson about Lindens whilst dealing with Torley Linden. It was a lesson I’ve always wished the uniformed AND NOOBS WOULD UNDERSTAND: Lindens are people too. Some are good some are bad. NONE are mysterious game gods, deserving undo awe as most are just NOT wonder inspiring. Way back in the day I contributed the following op/ed to the Alphaville Herald. The same could be said of Alexa Linden

Op/Ed: The Great Watermelon Strikes Back

by Alphaville Herald on 25/06/08 at 12:10 am

Banned for abuse of support staff by vandalizing Torely Linden’s SL Wiki page?

by Jumpman Lane


No one labors under the impression that the kindly game gods of Linden Lab who traipse around the grid in (as) who-knows-wtf-that-avi-is-supposed-to-be avatars are anything but human on the meat side. However, some mistake the sudden appearance of a Linden-last-name tag as just that: a god descending from the heavens to bless us for a few moments with an aspect of the sublime, with the grace of the empyrean. Imagine my surprise upon discovering that Torley Linden has the soul of a watermelon colored turd.

I am not a saint. I swagger through the metaverse yapping with hotties, talking smack to tards, snapping snaps, and writing funny little things in forums, on blogs, and in my little porno rag…er mag: Slut Magazine. My few run-ins with Lindens have been limited to chummy convos at official lab office hours and a few electronic epistles decrying the fact that unfortunately once again, it has come to the game god’s attention that I have allegedly violated the community standards or terms of service.

Most metaverse residents have not had the benefit of such contact, so some long term residents ask, “Who are Lindens?”. Hoping to improve Second Life, we decided to start a column in Slut Magazine called “Lindens! Who are these Wackjobs Anyways?” The first one was on then Linden Labs CEO Philip Linden entitled “Ol’ Dirt Face Phil: Mustache like Mud.” We ran it. Nothing happened. Emboldened, we decided to turn our attention to the most famous Linden of them all: Torley.


I told as much to an old Class of 2003 pal of mine who knew Torley Linden as Torley Torgeson. (Torley had followed her around like a puppy in the past as I do now :p). Her response was, “Torley is a freak. Leave him alone.” She then told me the tale of Torley’s great transformation from guy to gal. Most everyone in Second Life knows that Torley is a man who plays Second Life as a woman. No one knows why. We don’t either. Yet, we did discover HOW and the shit storm and the hurt feelings that followed.

We printed it. Then all manner of crazy things began to happen. The Great Watermelon struck back.

I suddenly found myself banned at The Man Statue on Phil’s Hill in Natoma, supposedly the oldest rezzed object in world (where we took some pictures that appeared in the Torley article) and banned at the Library of Prims. Both of these places are land owned by groups listing Torley as the owner. These bans are for 7200 minutes and always restart after 7199.

Next, the main picture on my Second Life Wiki User page suddenly changed from a hot one of me to a picture of a tard standing on a watermelon slice with Torley snickering beside. The page history showed these changes were made by one Torley Linden. Now, I found these bans quirky and kind of cute responses and I shrugged them off as I don’t lurk in those places. However, being slightly vain, I took the vandalism of my user wiki page as insulting as a pimp smack in the face! I wanted to put my foot in Torley’s crack, make him ask where his soldiers at (and I did)!

I added a couple of hot pics of me to his SL Wiki User page and a funny little story (read lie) about how we used to handg in watermelon patches discussing all the hookers I done banged and plotting and scheming on taking over the world. Which world? We didn’t know- any world. Second Life would do: me on the outside, him on the inside; him dressed as a watermelon, me dressed in a Spiderman suit-the rest being history. The Great Watermelon was not amused. Less than 30 minutes later, I was forced logged out of Second Life with my account unavailable for 14 days.

Now the odd and strange thing about this disciplinary action was that it was not accompanied by the usual email from Linden Labs detailing the crime and the punishment. I mean my banning at the Man Statue restarted as soon as it ended. Would this seemingly unofficial banning from Second Life restart too? These were the crappy thoughts that ran through my mind as Torley’s shabby little soul was just beginning to be revealed to me.

I logged back on as my faithful alt Jumpman Drutman and lightning quick IMed Zara Linden and she yapped back just as quick after a Tao of Linden-looking over a watermelon shoulder: “Yup, you’re banned for abuse of support staff (Turdly) by vandalizing his SL Wiki page. Submit a support ticket and we’ll email with words to that effect.” I trotted off to support somewhat relieved that with other Lindens watching and prepared to hit the “you suck, Torley” Love Machine Button, I was safe from any watermelon juice stained sideways permaban from Second Life.

Boy, was I wrong.

At this point, I proceeded to correct my still vandalized SL Wiki User page. Torley had indefinity blocked me from the SL Wiki but left my page up and intact with the crappy watermelon slice picture still on it. I saw this as a perfect opportunity for my enemies to do as they saw fit with my page (as Torley had done) with me unable to correct it. So, I used one of my Jumpman alts and fixed it, including among its contents a complete history of my Watermelon War to date and a list of my enemies (Torley for being a watermelon). This was all undone as nonsense, leaving only a picture of me and my birth date. I undid this. I returned my page to its former look, and became IP blocked from Second Life. Every alt I ever made was asked to age verify (even ones that had been age verified at Second Life dot com). Lastly, on the SL Wiki I was indefinitly blocked as a user, IP blocked and my User page permanently removed. Why all this? For using alts to abuse MYSELF, and using alts to vandalize MY OWN SL Wiki page.

This, oh gentle Second Life Herald readers and my only friends, is what I put to you. Does a company which we ultimately PAY to provide us a service one way or another NOT have to provide some sort of oversight even of its more popular minor functionaries?

My next stop is M Linden, then Ol Dirt Face Phil his god damn self. I want my SL Wiki page back!


The whole turdy episode leaves a bad taste in the mouth. I mean sure, sure Alexa refunded our monies. What started out as a feel-good endeavour to help out a good cause, and bring joy to some lil’ kid AND some SL pals who never had the pleasure of meeting a Linden ended with general disapointment all around. I personally don’t have the pleasure of donating monies to build that school. Alexa robbed me of that when she dug in her own pockets and returned my linden dollars. My pals were shitted out of the “wonder” of meeting a Linden. Some wonder. Years ago my pal Lady Dawson, who denoobified me, having taught me all about SL-its history, its culture and its tecnical side- once responded when I said in WONDERMENT,  “How cool it might be to meet Torley”: HE. IS. A. FREAK. Leave him alone!

There’s a lesson to be learnt here. I went back to my master, a contrite lil’ Sith Lord, all “What is thy bidding, my Master”-style for a bit more wisdom over this current bit of Pesky Linden Drama.

Lady Dawson

[2015/10/12 13:30]  Jumpman Lane: alexa linden refunded my money when i won her at auction[2015/10/12 13:30]  Jumpman Lane: 50001k L$[2015/10/12 13:30]  Alexis (lady.dawson): haha[2015/10/12 13:30]  Alexis (lady.dawson): why?[2015/10/12 13:31]  Jumpman Lane: i guess caws i’m ME[2015/10/12 13:31]  Jumpman Lane: Jumpman lane[2015/10/12 13:31]  Jumpman Lane: that Torley Business was YEARS ago lol[2015/10/12 13:31]  Alexis (lady.dawson): that’s stupid[2015/10/12 13:31]  Jumpman Lane: very

VERY STUPID! It’s very stupid indeed. Caws Jumpy knows who he is. He’s self-aware. He IS The King of Second Life, just like Frank White, The King of New York. Jumpy STILL gonna do good, to make the world and Second Life a better place. And Jumpy donn’t mind getting his hands dirty doing.

My Declaration Of Principles


I will provide the people of this grid with a monthly magazine that
will present sex and sexuality and all the beauty of our virtual world
in all clarity, in all simplicity, entertainingly, without a single
concession to any special interest ANYWHERE.


I will also provide them with a fighting and tireless champion of
their rights as residents and

Wednesday, April 8, 2009