Lindens, Who are these Wackjobs Anyways: Ebbe, Watermelinden Redux

Continuing our ever arduous job of denoobifying the grid, Slut Mag once again poses the question “Lindens…who are these wackjobs anyways?” Today we shift y’all’s attention to Ebbe Linden, Watermelinden Redux. Many might know (but most don’t ) that Ebbe is the current CEO of Linden Lab, maker of Second Life. Despite the fact that Ebbe shares the title and position once held by SL’s founder Philip Linden, Ebbe holds more in common with the most famous Linden of them ALL: TORLEY.

…so some long term residents ask, “Who are Lindens?”. Hoping to improve Second Life, we decided to start a column in Slut Magazine called “Lindens! Who are these Wackjobs Anyways?” The first one was on then Linden Labs CEO Philip Linden entitled “Ol’ Dirt Face Phil: Mustache like Mud.” We ran it. Nothing happened. Emboldened, we decided to turn our attention to the most famous Linden of them all: Torley…I told as much to an old Class of 2003 pal of mine who knew Torley Linden as Torley Torgeson. (Torley had followed her around like a puppy in the past as I do now :p). Her response was, “Torley is a freak. Leave him alone.” She then told me the tale of Torley’s great transformation from guy to gal. Most everyone in Second Life knows that Torley is a man who plays Second Life as a woman. No one knows why. We don’t either. Yet, we did discover HOW and the shit storm and the hurt feelings that followed. We printed it. Then all manner of crazy things began to happen. The Great Watermelon struck back… Imagine my surprise upon discovering that Torley Linden has the soul of a watermelon colored turd.
Jumpman Lane, The King of Second Life

Sure, sure, sure, Ebbe is adopting the guise of a world builder. Sansar is that world. Second Life 2.0 is its promise-i.e. a viable virtual world (scalable, well rendered), a vibrant virtual economy (TAXED), a virtual REALITY for the masses (immersion x 1000). Yet, conspicuously absent in Ebbe’s “presentation” of The Lab’s latest venture is the wide-eyed, innocent wonder oft glimpsed in Philip Rosadale’s meatspace set pieces. Ebbe is no visionary on a starry-eyed quest. He is no game-God seeking to wrest a METAVERSE out of the murk, out of mists of his MIND. Ebbe is a petty functionary elevated by water cooler politics to the vaunted precipice of Linden POWAH. He is tasked with guiding a motley band of professional coders, stentorian bean counters, and resume padding transients. Gone are the legendary days of coding the Linden Scripting Language over a long weekend. No more are chummy in-world suck-up-fests (Official Linden Office Hours). Those are passé, no longer in vogue. Now days, Lindens are more tourists in “their” virtual world than they EVER were. The Lab is more out of touch with their last-nameless Resident/customers than is to be believed.

Ebbe’s function is that of “guiding” discourse on a predetermined, committee-born, ready-made company PLAN. It it scripted hokum, designed to dazzle. It is shining up a turd and calling it gold. All that’s missing in Ebbe’s pantomime is the wierdie watermelon color ways. In spirit, Ebbe Linden is Torley Linden in redux. Ebee is but a hype man, sadly. He is more the watermelon seed of Torley than the messiahanic son of game-God Philip. Here’s hoping that his glamorizing VR tech-nerd fests and shifty talk of taxes somehow serves to keep the servers on. Here’s hoping Ebbe Linden doesn’t go down as The Last Linden Lab CEO. Here’s hoping Linden Lab doesn’t kill Second Life once and for all.